"the kids are running round, you've got to chase 276, and you think to yourself 'Sunday, Bloody Sunday'"

oh dear...

With the IRA now a thing of the past, and in Mo Mowlam, the most diplomatic politician of a generation sadly removed from our conscience, one could be forgiven for drawing a line under the events of the last 30 years.

Unfortunately, our 2's yesterday proved that massacres can still take place on Sundays.

People ran around screaming, innocent bystanders were peppered with missiles, women and children burst into tears for no apparent reason. One thing was for certain, nobody had a clue what was happening or where to hide.

The opposition were comprised of two London teams (Dodgers CC www.dodgerscricket.org and Warwick Castle CC) and their combined power crushed a feeble Sunday 2s like they were crap ants.

The match was due to start at 2pm, but with only five opposition players present at 2.20pm, the decision was made to allow Dodgers Castle (as the hip kids were now calling them) to bat.

It proved a costly compromise.

Hilary and McBarron opened the batting for Dodgers, facing Andy "Tina" Turner in all his downhill splendour, and a sweat-band covered Nick Dunning, bowling short-and-wide uphill tosh.

Dunning eventually improved slightly after being kept on for four overs (against his will) before being removed by skipper JJ "if it didn't work the last eighteen times, why would it work this time?" Dunning.

Eleventh-hour recruit (and friend of Pugsley's) Matt Colley took over and bowled well up the hill, but his eight overs - like Rik Waller's diet - were utterly fruitless.

Hilary eventually went to a catch by JJ "Field Marshall Hague" Dunning off Turner, but the score was already 59 and Saints were certainly on the back foot.

Dodgers Castle skipper Qureshi came and went, while McBarron soldiered onwards towards his half-century.

Once Turner had bowled his allotted eight overs, the skipper brought himself into the attack and it proved a matchwinning decision.

Dunning's 6 overs of seam-up and spin were delivered liberally and to various parts of the ground.

Vijay profited most from Dunning's unabashed pie-throwing, before he was dismissed by an outrageous no-ball from Mark Newton.

Newton had, in line with much of the Saints attack, bowled appallingly, but in his final over had taken a fancy to bowling no-balls aimed at the batsman's head.

Fortunately for Newton, his last ball dipped as it approached the batsman - who by this stage had taken to shielding his face in a crouched position in front of the stumps - and clipped the top of middle and off. Inexplicably, a no-ball was not signalled by umpire Qureshi and Vijay departed after a well-wellied 66.

At this stage, several players were hysterical and needed calming down by St John's Ambulance.

Young Will Burgess (just three days short of his ninth birthday) followed Colley up the hill, picking up two neat wickets from his eight overs.

Queue McBarron to secure his maiden ton in a well executed example of how to punish the bad ball.

Then came the genuine amateurs.

Brandon Courban, making his first ever cricketing appearance, got the call to bowl his debut over in cricket. In complete fairness, it was none too bad.

Then came Tom "Tino" Best, who gave his first delivery plenty of flight. That is to say, it floated aimlessly over the batsmans head, while everyone looked on in slack-jawed wonderment.

Then, to an audible sigh of relief, came tea, which our brave 2s munched in the shadow of a very large number.

If Saints had been on the back foot at 59-1, then they were horizontal and unconscious at 276-5.

Woods and Dunning (N) opened the batting meekly, Woods being clean bowled by Benn with a delivery that nipped back.

Darren then turned runner for the injured Nick, who called "Yes" as number 3 batsman JJ Dunning came scampering down the wicket, only to realise that both Woodsy and Nick had remained stationary. The resulting run-out left Dunning (JJ) with enormous nipples.

Nick then smashed his way onto 40, hitting Vijay back over his head for six before getting bowled.

Andy Turner also hammered the ball in customary fashion, before becoming one of Cavanagh's 5 victims as he mopped up some slack Saints batting.

Cavanagh dismissed Will Burgess, before compounding Mark Newton's miserable afternoon, catching him Leg-before for a Golden Duck the very next ball.

Despite Newton's remonstrations with umpire Nick Dunning out in the middle, the Tedster trudged back to the pavilion, taking time out to suggest helpfully "That f****** w***** wants to learn how to f****** umpire".

Well, I expect he was quite disappointed.

This brought another interesting situation to the fore.

As is customary with people who aren't used to having giant foam-filled crash-barriers strapped to their legs, Brandon Courban waddled uncomfortably out to the middle.

Whether he understood the gravity of the situation (Cavanagh was on his hat-trick) is unclear, but it made for an interesting contest.

Cavanagh started his over-long run-up once more and served up a wide one, which, (as 'conservative' obviously doesn't exist in the Courban English Dictionary) Brandon thrashed at with all his might, edging it inches over third slip's outstretched fingertips and safely to the boundary rope.

There followed 22 sharp intakes of breath and a long, "ooohhh" so loud it caused an earthquake in Taiwan.

4 runs, hat-trick avoided.

Alas, Courban was clean bowled in the next over.

This brought a welcome cameo from Tom Best, who had made the classic error of wearing boxers when batting. The resulting comedy was unmissable entertainment. Tom and Matt Colley took on some outrageous singles as Tom fought bravely to prevent the relocation of his box to his kneecap.

One hand on the bat, the other on his crotch.

A run-out was both inevitable and enjoyable.

Dodgers Castle then swept up the tail like demented Caretakers, leaving Colley stranded on 30 something not out and the game was theirs.

After such an appalling massacre, who knows what the backlash will be from this result??

JJ Dunning - 22/08/2005